Nathan ‘Nath’ Draper
Unveiled in pre-season as The Trix’s new signing, Draper is a brave, imposing and ugly goalkeeper, a modern-day Steve Ogrizovic. Has all the attributes needed to become a firm favourite with the fans. Should make the ‘problem position’ a thing of the past.

Gary ‘Gaz’ Duncan
Speedy, enthusiastic and athletic player with fantastic ability in possession of the ball and a fantastic work rate without it. His speed and technique help him to adapt to almost any position. Has an eye for goal, whether it be a simple tap in or something a bit more special. Has a beautiful face, but supports Newcastle. Speaks with a strange accent.

Ritchie ‘Da Hotch’ Hopkins
Blessed with balance and grace, Hopkins is a joy to watch. A supreme reader of the game, he oozes calmness and class from deep. Glides past players as if they weren’t there. His brain and feet work in perfect harmony. Despite his beautiful footballing feet, has an ugly face.

Michael ‘Walshy’ Walsh
Another recent addition to the squad. Made his debut in goal, but also an accomplished outfield player who wears his heart on his sleeve. A self-confessed gambling addict, he was released from his contract with Brazilian side Gremio after allegations of his involvement in an illegal betting ring. Was cleared of any wrong-doing and the allegations were later retracted.

Richard ‘Blakey/Mido/Wiggy’ Blakey
Player-manager, master tactician. Along with Hopkins, the team’s longest serving player. Used to score a few goals, but as the years have caught up with him, has slowly moved deeper and deeper. Once grew a morale-boosting moustache during a difficult period for the team, promising to let it prosper if they won, but they still lost so he shaved it off.

Christopher 'Sweets'/'Airshot' Sweeting
Known for his love of women and his playboy lifestyle more than his football, but probably unfairly so. Always disciplined and professional, he’s one of the best trainers at the club. One of the longest servants at the club today. His versatility is key to the team. A committed and tenacious tackler, who can also pick a pass. Has also played in goal when needed. Gets aggressive for twenty minutes a day at a random time. Likes anything sturdy; loves anything Spanish and has a tendency to break his arms.

Chris ‘Hovis’ Maxted
Youngster in his first full season with the club after a handful of appearances last term, his head resembles a bread bun. A majestic left foot and a willingness to run on beyond the forwards and in behind the defence. Continues to evolve into a powerful and stocky young lad, he has the compact burly physique of a prime Paul Gascoigne. Looks more like Kid Cudi though.

Rob ‘Bobby’ Genney
Has a thunderous strike and plenty of goals in him. We famously signed him for a transfer fee of a set of tracksuit tops and some corrugated iron. Now worth millions. Consistent and reliable. An ever-present last season. Our ‘Genney on the spot’.

Andrew Brumby 
The club’s newest signing, Brumby has scored and made goals wherever he’s played. Brumby is the team's latest ‘Galactico’ and the fans will be hoping that he lives up to the reputation that he has brought with him. A goal on debut and some outrageous touches showcased his wonderful touch and ability. In his early career, Brumby was no stranger to the tabloid front pages with his late-night partying and alcoholism and was regularly in trouble with his many clubs for breaching club discipline, despite always maintaining his goalscoring record and standards on the pitch. He courted more controversy when he was caught practising the sexual act of dogging in 2004, an accusation Brumby strongly denies.

Wesley ‘Wes’ Coulam
Returned to the squad this season after a couple of seasons out. Came through the ranks as a goalkeeper, but now fancies himself as a bit of a player. A good engine and a few tricks up his sleeve. Excellent attacking player. That is until he gets near goal. Nice legs.

Jamie 'Mill' Mill
The young trialist was suddenly thrust into the limelight early this season when he was called into a Matrix team depleted by injuries. Essentially an emergency signing who’d never played any competitive football previously, Mill found it hard to impress in a seriously under-strength team, but still worked tirelessly for the team and got himself on the score sheet with a neatly finished debut goal. Time will tell whether he can improve his game enough to persuade the manager to offer him a permanent deal for the club. Loves running into things and miscontrolling the ball.