Ten years ago, in 1998 a crack commando unit was sent to football prison by a military court for some fouls they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Dundee underground. Today still wanted by the SFA, they survive as footballers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the FC Graham team....
Jon Green - When he brings out the flat cap you know you are in trouble. This tough tackling Yorkshire man is perfect for defence. If he doesn't get you his whippet will.
Simon Quadrelli - Another immigrant, not from Italy as you may think but from Kilmarnock in sunny Ayrshire. What he lacks in actual skill his name makes up for in making him sound awesome.
Iain "Pork Chops" Mudie - Confucius he say "with coarse rice to eat, with water to drink and my crooked arm for a pillow - is joy to be found therein? Riches and honors acquired through unrighteousness are to me as the floating clouds" Iain he say "I WANT A BACON ROLL" Seriously that all he can say!
Danny "BA" Ireland - Before every game Danny known to us as Donny wanders about scream at the top of his voice "i pity the fool", "i pity the fool that i'm going to tackle". Danny doubles as team security he is what is known in the trade as a "Man Mountain"
Sean "the Frenchman" Reid - Althought his young years would suggest fittness to rival anybody in the league, and stamina that would put the squatting runner to shame. He's about as fit as a one armed swimmer, who to be fair is probably fitter.
Harry "Nebab" Neave - You'll hear crys of "pass it", "through ball", "wide" and "i'm open" amongst others. He is not just a greedy wee so and so, he is in fact deaf! So what you think is our team giving you the "V's" of other rude hand signals, is just us signing to Harry.
Scott "the cripple" Bowring - Scott once beat the hell out of an army of lesbian vampires. With nothing but a match and a broom handle to do it with. Yet before a game 3 weeks ago he coughed in his car and has had the nickname "the cripple " since. He can now be seen on the sidelines with Professor Stephen Hawkins in a tandem wheelchair holding onto the half-time oranges.
Dereck "Gloves" Lawrence - Dereck once ate a whole goat, a whole goat! He's given up on eating animals now and only eats balls! Yes balls, nothing gets past him. If Carlsburg made goalies they'd be call Dereck Lawrence!!